


i don't wanna live forever

by EPD



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Guitars, M/M, Musician Harvey, Musician Mike, Musicians, Saxophone, Tumblr: Suits100
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-21 07:57:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11939730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EPD/pseuds/EPD
Summary: Suits100 prompt #60: What if Harvey followed his father’s steps and became a jazz musician… he is playing in well known jazz joints, never stepping into real stardom (even though he is well respected by his peers) just because he has his personal ethical code regarding his art and he does not want to compromise…Mike is a young pop singer, musician and songwriter, a new star rising fast who, while on tour, visits a club where Harvey is playing in NY, a night out to get in touch with real music and inspiration…Two musicians from two different worlds that come close, a whirlwind of emotions, angst, music ensues (always with a happy ending…)





	i don't wanna live forever

**Author's Note:**

> Title is inspired by a cover of the song by Taylor Swift and Zayn on saxophone https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnCmLnUvEiA which is amazing and I've been listening to loads of this guys covers whilst writing this.  
> I use the titles of songs by various people at some points - I'm just imagining that Mike wrote and sings them - its easiest.

In most circumstances, the sound of two thousand people screaming would evoke terror and paranoia but in this case, as Mike finally walked off stage after his encore, it was actually the noise he had been striving for his entire life. Everything he had worked for was centred around this adoration that he was given as a result of his music. This was just one more thing that added to the weirdness and plain illogical nature of his line of work as a musician. He would spend his time performing like a circus monkey for people he didn’t know and who often saw him as some sort perfect angel like figure who could do no wrong. How naïve humanity was. Of course, Mike had done wrong stupid shit, everyone does at certain points in their lives.

As he packed up his trusty acoustic guitar into its case and tried to unravel himself from his earpiece and tie it up in the least ungraceful way possible, Mike came to the gradual realisation which had been preparing to startle him for a while now, that none of these tour dates were any different to any of the other ones. He was doing the exact same thing every night. Singing the same songs in the same way, even saying the same things to the crowd in between songs. Exactly what he didn’t want to happen was happening. Music, his passion, was starting to feel like a job. Mike was starting to feel like he had an obligation to please the fans because that was all that mattered in this world, right?

No, not right. Mike was in desperate need of inspiration or at the very least a stiff drink somewhere. So, when he had everything packed up, Mike waved to the tech crew leaving them to do their job, and walked out onto the streets of New York. The whole of the Big Apple at his fingertips and no clue where to go or what to do. He didn’t want to venture to far in the dead of night so ended up at some random jazz bar a few blocks away from where he started. All Mike focused on was the word bar which meant readily available alcohol. Jazz had never been a genre Mike was massively into but if he was anything, he was open to new things. As he walked into the dimly lit building the first thing Mike did was obviously to make his way to the slightly crammed side bar at which he immediately ordered a shot. It was only once he had thrown down the alcohol and there was a slowly mellowing burning sensation at the back of his throat that Mike actually took note of the beautiful melodies ringing in his ears. They were all coming from one man stood in the middle of the unfurnished stage. Just a man and his saxophone. As he played, Mike felt the power of the music gradually wash over him and envelope him, dulling his senses. But then again that could have had something to do with the copious amounts of shots he was swallowing.

It was performances like this that once again made Mike remember why he had fallen in love with such a fantastic artform. Even though Mike had never heard of this guy or the music he was playing it still connected with him. He could feel the music swelling around in his brain intoxicating him in a completely different sense that the alcohol had done. Alcohol gives you the sense that you are losing control of your body. Music makes you lose control of your mind, takes over your thoughts and tells you stories that you could never hope to understand without those melodies. It surprised Mike how much of an effect this music still had even without lyrics.

After about 40 minutes of watching this beautiful, mysterious man take control of the stage and lose himself in the music, the set ended much to everyone’s disappointment including Mike but after the guy had walked off and clearly put his saxophone away Mike realised someone had come to sit in the one seat that was next to him and up until this point had weirdly been empty. Mike had feared this, he really couldn’t be bothered with human interaction tonight. All he wanted to do was soak in his annoying and random sorrow that had suddenly emerged. Music often had this effect on Mike, he got this impending feeling of unexplained, uncontrollable sorrow and despair that in a weird way, he loved. Not that he loved being sad, because this was different. It was a feeling that he couldn’t explain to anyone but was in a way defined by the idea that he was lost and always would be because beautiful music made him realise how insignificant everyday drama really was. As Mike was coming to terms with his existential crisis, the man finally spoke up.

‘Hey, so you like the music?’. As Mike looked up at the guy who was speaking he figured out that it was the saxophone now just sitting at the bar having a drink.

‘Not too shabby’, Mike replied as tilted his head towards the musician, who turns out from up close was absolutely gorgeous. As the man, whose name he revealed was Harvey Specter, ordered a drink, the two began to talk. The conversation began with the topics limited to music but slowly as the night went on turned to more personal conversations as other performers went through the sets. Mike was sure that if he had listened to those they also would have been mind-blowing. But he didn’t. He just sat and got to know Harvey with conversation flowing as easily as the drinks behind the bar. The talking never strayed past just frivolous conversation about mainly meaningless shit but it still felt like they were getting to know each other. A lot of what they talked about was movies and at one point they had a quote-off which of course Mike won what with his eidetic memory but that didn’t stop Harvey being ridiculously competitive. He even brought out a quote from ‘Clueless’ assuming Mike hadn’t watched, but of course Mike had seen it.

By about 1 o clock in the morning they both realised they needed sleep or they would never get over the impending hangover that was surely waiting for them both, so as Mike parted ways with Harvey at the door of the jazz club he climbed clumsily into a taxi and caught himself smiling manically as he stared at the small piece of paper in his hand with Harvey’s name and number scrawled onto with messy, clearly slightly drunk handwriting. Obviously, Mike didn’t need the paper as he had memorised it immediately but that didn’t stop him from holding it tightly for some reason.

The next day Mike’s head feels like it’s a fucking major construction site with drills focusing on specific areas in his brain as he lies in his tiny shabby apartment in NY. Usually he would be staying in a luxurious hotel room booked by his manager whilst on tour but for the New York leg he was able to stay in the one place which was technically his home despite the fact that at this point in his career he could already afford a much nicer place or multiple places. He had just never gotten his heart around to the idea of living somewhere else. As Mike came to, his phone chimed with a painfully shrill noise. After a few seconds of eye adjustment to the bright screen in the darkness of his room, Mike read the text from an unrecognised number. Just a few seconds later he realised it belonged to the beautiful saxophone player from the night before as the number matched the one he had memorised and read; ‘Hey, how’s your head feeling. If its anything like mine then ouch, I’m sorry? H x’. This uncomplicated text brought the rest of the memories flooding back to Mike causing him to smile, which he immediately regretted as his face muscles seemed to ache, as did everything else in his body, having had so much to drink the night before.

‘I can’t imagine yours is any worse than mine. I’m never drinking ever again’. Mike replied and within about 30 seconds his phone once again made a noise that seemed to reverberate through every bone in his body. Once he had put it on vibrate he read the words ‘I’ll believe that when I see it’ and despite the fact that Mike felt like utter shit, he seemed to enjoy taking the conversation further, even flirting with the man and he obviously likes the idea of Harvey seeing him again even if it was just to prove Mike wrong about the whole never drinking thing. Before long they had made arrangements via text to have dinner the next day, one of Mike’s days off, leaving Mike lying in bed with a shit eating grin plastered on his face ignoring the ache this was causing, it was worth it.

Having struggled through a gig that night, with the remnants of his hangover, Mike went to bed thinking of Harvey, fantasising about that body, with the smooth, sexy saxophone music in the background filling his mind with very dirty images. Those thoughts, well he sure as hell wouldn’t be admitting to anyone that they caused him to need a very cold brisk shower having already gotten into bed.

With his day off Mike actually ends up running errands and doing stuff he genuinely needs to do just to distract himself from the feelings of dread and terror and nervousness about dinner that night. After spending close to an hour choosing the right outfit (he went with grey suit trousers, a blue plaid shirt, suspenders, and an actual fedora just to you know exaggerate the image of an acoustic guitar playing musician), there was suddenly a knock at his door and behind it, Harvey. He was wearing a white shirt under a beautiful purple suit, that on anyone else Mike would have guessed would look horrible but on Harvey somehow seemed to work.

‘Shall we go?’ Harvey asked with a smug sort of grin that opened up his entire face.  
‘Absolutely’ and they were out of the door.

The restaurant that Harvey took them to was probably the most beautiful place Mike had ever set foot in and not really the sort of place Mike had pictured. It was on a rooftop balcony looking over the New York skyline, with just the right amount of fairy lights (not too many) and plants, lots of luscious green plants that gave the sense that you were walking into a private garden. A place where you could share your deepest secrets and the whispers would be engulfed by the leaves and only ever revealed to the one person you wanted to tell. The sense of magic Mike was feeling was improved upon greatly when the waiter showed them to the small table, right in a corner, looking out over the city and enclosed from everyone else.

Once Mike and Harvey had ordered their food and drinks, the conversation once again started. This time they talked about family and what had made them get into music in the first place. The evening ended up surprising both Mike and Harvey as they revealed things about themselves that usually would have stayed hidden for much longer but they both seemed to feel that sense of comfort and security with the other. When, near the end of the date, the desserts arrived, Mike couldn’t help but stare at Harvey as he spooned in mouthfuls of smooth vanilla cheesecake in a way he must have known was distracting.

‘Hey that chocolate cake was expensive. Are you going to eat it or just stare at me eating mine’ Harvey said with a smirk on his face that made it clear, he definitely knew what he was doing.

‘Right yeah, chocolate cake’ Mike replied in a rather flustered manner. But two can play at that game and with every mouthful Mike had he made a little noise signalling his pleasure at the delicious cake and watched as Harvey slowly started to become undone next to him.

They were out of the restaurant no more than five minutes later getting into a cab on the road. On the way down they had both been careful to stand at least a metre away from each other but as soon as they were both seated in the car and the driver knew where he was going, they were all over each other, making out sloppily all the way back to Harvey’s condo.

As the car came to a stop and Mike looked out to see an incredibly smart building.

‘I wasn’t planning on asking this so soon Mike, but would you like to come up?’ Harvey whispered into his ear.  
‘To hell with dignity, lead the way’ Mike said in reply.

As Harvey led Mike into the building and past the doorman, he looked in confusion at Harvey as they went on past the elevator but his confusion was soon dealt with as Harvey led him into what seemed to be a private glass elevator with only one button ‘P’.

‘I’m gonna assume that stands for penthouse then’ Mike said with slight disbelief.

As soon as they arrived in the incredible apartment, Harvey was all over Mike, hands roaming everywhere and within minutes they had found the bedroom and were stripping off. This led to one of the most amazing sex filled nights Mike could remember and before he knew it, he was waking up the next morning in a bed that wasn’t his and a person next to him that hadn’t been there on other nights.

‘Morning’, Harvey whispered into Mike’s chest as they both began to wake up slowly.

‘Hi’ Mike said with a bit of a laugh. He wasn’t laughing at anything in particular, really just at how quickly this had progressed into mind boggling sex.

After making out a bit more, they both seemed to decide that it didn’t need to lead onto anything else and Harvey suggested breakfast which suddenly sounded amazing.

As Harvey went into the kitchen to prepare what he was calling the ‘Specter Special’ Mike went to have a shower in one of the most luxurious bathrooms he had ever seen, which is saying something considering some of the hotels he had been put up in over his time.

Over breakfast, which was indeed delicious, Mike ended up telling Harvey what life was like on tour, and about the endless lonely hours that came with being a solo musician that had no one else on stage. By the time the plates were empty and Mike decided he should probably do the walk of shame back to his place, considering he had a gig that night, Mike noticed a weird look on Harvey’s face. He couldn’t quite place it, but decided not to question it because it looked a little like Harvey could be doubting them and questioning what they had started last night, and Mike didn’t want to know about it if he was right.

 

Over the following days and weeks Mike and Harvey fell into a routine. A fantastic routine of going out on dates on any of Mike’s days off and then having sex, lots of sex. Mike had ended up staying at Harvey’s most nights even on gig nights as his place was much closer to any of the places he was playing. It got to the point where some of Mike’s stuff was scattered around the condo and if someone walked in they would probably guess that there was more than one person living there at the moment.

They had also managed to keep a pretty low profile, considering Mike was getting more and more popular by the day, but one day Jenny, Mike’s manager, rung him and when Mike picked up, there was a sense of panic in her voice.  
‘Mike, hi, hey, um have you seen the picture?’  
‘Woah, hey what’s going on?’. It was only 6:30 in the morning and so far, Mike had no idea what Jenny was talking about.  
‘There’s a picture online of you and Harvey just outside his building’ Jenny revealed which made Mike realise why she was panicked.  
‘Well it can’t be that bad, right?’ Mike asked hopefully.  
‘Well it wouldn’t be that bad if you two weren’t shoving your tongues down each other’s throats’.  
‘Shit’. At this point Harvey started waking up as Mike was having this conversation in bed having only just woken up. By now Mike had grabbed the iPad that was on the bedside table and was going on to the internet to find these so called scandalous pictures with Harvey sitting up and watching exactly what he was doing. A few minutes later Mike and Jenny had collectively made the decision that the best thing to do was to let this ride out instead of confronting it with the possibility of making it worst, and they had said goodbye to each other with Jenny promising to do as much behind the scenes damage control as possible.

‘I’m sorry’, were the first words out of Mike’s mouth, knowing that this could easily make Harvey very uncomfortable considering he had spent a lot of his career staying just outside the limelight.  
‘Hey, it’s ok, it was going to happen at some point, wasn’t it?’ Harvey said in a way that was surprisingly understanding for a guy whose temper could easily get out of control when things didn’t go his way.

For the rest of the day Mike and Harvey spent time just hanging out in the apartment, taking things at a lovely slow rate. Neither of them really felt like venturing outside just in case the paparazzi were at it again. At one point, Harvey gave Mike a personal concert, and played a [strangely beautiful cover of the song by Taylor Swift and Zayn](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnCmLnUvEiA). Mike never thought a piece of music like that could change so dramatically and become so much more gorgeous to listen to.  
‘Wow’. Mike couldn’t really think of anything else to say when the final few notes faded out.  
‘You like it?’ Harvey said in a way that made him seem like he wasn’t one of the most self-assured men you could meet.  
Mike’s only response was to get up and plant his lips firmly on Harvey’s.  
By about 3:00pm, Jenny updated Mike and the photo had already gone viral with people all over the internet trying to figure out who it was Mike was kissing considering Harvey’s face and most of his body was completely hidden from the shot.  
‘Yeah, look, there doesn’t seem to be much bad air hanging around, it seems to just be curiosity, it will die down in the main media in a few days, don’t worry’. Jenny said reassuringly.  
‘Thanks Jenny, ok I will see you tomorrow’.

And sure enough, Jenny was right, it did die down to the point where Mike and Harvey could keep living their normal life, but that couldn’t last for long and Mike knew it. It was just whether or not Harvey knew it as well. They had four days until Mike had to leave for the next leg of his tour and he wouldn’t be back in New York for nearly 3 months. That was a long time and it was clear that they had both completely avoided talking about it because talking about it made it real. Mike really did love his job and a large part of him was excited to get back on the road so he could keep playing music to the people who had got him to where he was. But the other part was scared that leaving would burst this bubble that he had created with Harvey over the last few weeks.

 

Most of those four days was brilliant as they just revelled in the time they had left. The sex was fantastic. But soon it was the day before Mike was getting on a bus and leaving. Harvey had come over to Mike’s apartment to help keep him company as he did the last bits of his packing and soon the conversation turned to Mike’s music.  
‘What song out of your album is your genuine favourite then Mike?’  
‘What are you interviewing me now?’ Mike was just making jokes but something about the atmosphere made jokes slightly stale. The question was clearly being asked just to fill the silence. ‘Um, [Supermarket Flowers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIB8EWqCPrQ), about Grammy, that one is probably the most important one to me and it seems to really connect with the audience’. Mike was talking about the song he wrote the day after he found out that the woman who raised him, who had been his saviour in his teenage years, had died.

As soon as Mike gave this answer, he saw Harvey’s contort in a weird way and Mike wasn’t really sure what emotion was coming across his face. He knew Harvey knew what song he was talking about. It was at this point that everything seemed to go down-hill, both of them were emotionally exhausted and where trying to mentally figure out what was going to happen with them next but Mike would never have guessed that it would have descended into the argument that it did. Before long it became a shouting match that was hiding their true emotions and it all seemed pretty trivial to Mike until he asked Harvey what was really on his mind and why he was really shouting like this because it couldn’t just be because he was sad Mike was leaving. They had already discussed that in a lot of detail. They already had a plan for when they could skype and keep in contact. The date for Mike’s return date was circled with a big pink highlighter on Harvey’s calendar. But what Harvey suddenly said after taking a breath made Mike wonder if that date mattered anymore.

‘Oh I don’t know Mike, I just’  
‘What is it Harvey, just spit it out’ Mike said viciously’.

‘For fuck’s sake. It’s that song. I just can’t understand why you use that. How can you even sleep at night when you are just capitalising on your pain? Using it. Using the people that you’ve lost’, Harvey said as he practically spat at Mike. This sent Mike into a spiral of anger and before he knew he was shouting back at Harvey for things he didn’t even realise he felt before this moment.

‘Excuse me? I am actually making a proper living out of something I love. If that so greatly offends you then fine but don’t you tell me that I’m simply using the death of my family, you heartless prick. If anything, I’d say you’re the one using your pain as an excuse. A fucking excuse not to push yourself out of your comfort zone because if you do there’s the possibility that you will collide with something that will remind you of it all’. With that Mike grabbed his keys, turned on his heel and left, slamming the door behind him, leaving Harvey in a confused state of disarray despite the fact that they were in his apartment. He just needed to get away.

Traditionally when people met Harvey, they assumed he was a brash, confident asshole who never struggled with anything, someone who could push aside annoying emotions as if they were nothing to him. They thought he couldn’t give a shit about forming relationships with anyone. These assumptions, it’s fair to say, did have reasonable grounding what with Harvey’s constant one night stands and his general dickish behaviour to those he didn’t like – which was a lot of people. But Mike, Mike was different. He had seen through the bullshit at Harvey’s surface and was slowly peeling back the many layers like an onion.

This was why it hurt so much when Mike said something like this. It was true. He was making revelations that no one before had been able to come up with. For years beforehand Harvey had been able to glide through life with no one questioning him and only the occasional late-night drink at 2am in which he sat and pondered everything he was doing and why. But every morning after those drinking sessions, Harvey would take a cold shower, pick himself up, forget about it and move on with his life with the same routine.

 

After Mike had stormed out of his own apartment, he just wondered the streets of New York for ages, not knowing what to do. He didn’t give a shit if people took pictures at this point. He just didn’t. Before long Mike found himself in a random bar, drinking his sorrows away. After drowning his emotions and chatting amicably with the bartender, Mike started gradually walking back to his place, half of him hoping that Harvey would have stayed there waiting for him so that they could make up, the other half hoping he could just sleep alone.

Harvey wasn’t there. It was a relief really. Mike just finished the last bits of packing before just sleeping into bed and trying to get any sleep before the tour started again. It took him hours to get to sleep though, the sound of Harvey’s saxophone resonating in his head.

Mike’s alarm rang out at 7:00am, far too early and Mike felt like he had slept for about 20 minutes but nonetheless he grabbed his bags and left his apartment within 10 minutes before buying a coffee, just trying to get through the morning without thinking about Harvey or their argument.  
Mike’s first gig went by in a blur, but it reminded him why he loved his job. The adrenaline that he felt when he had first started sharing his music with other people. He felt the love that his fans were giving him, wash over his body to the point where he nearly started crying just because of the sheer scale and emotion of it all.  
The gig had completely distracted him from everything but as soon as he was left in the quiet hotel him, it hit Mike. He was alone. He had fucked up the one chance he had had for happiness for years.

As the weeks went on Mike kept singing and kept entertaining and soon enough he started sleeping better and stopped remembering Harvey so much. It started getting a little easier, just a little bit. But then, one evening he was scrolling aimlessly on the internet when he came across a picture. The picture. The one picture he had been trying to forget. Really it was stupid. They had been together for less than 2 months and really the likelihood of them getting through the long distance was low but still, it hurt. It hurt a fuck load.  
19 days into the tour Mike was in Canada, and the gig for the evening seemed pretty normal, there didn’t seem to be anything special about it but Mike felt weird whilst he was on stage. He felt like something was going to happen that day. But nothing did and as he finished his set with his new song ‘[Can’t See Straight’ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-wOyNiQtUg)everything seemed normal. Nothing strange happened but Mike, for some reason, remained on high alert for the rest of the evening. Finally, at around 11:00, in his hotel room, something did happen. The door knocked and despite the fact that he was ready for anything, Mike practically jumped out of his skin.

When Mike got to the door he tried looking in the peephole but it was weirdly covered which seemed sinister. As he opened the door Mike started thinking about what a fucking stupid idea this way – he could be inviting a serial killer in or anything.

But it wasn’t.

It was the one person Mike had been trying forget for over 2 weeks now.

It was Harvey.

‘Hi’, Harvey’s voice sounded like it was about to break it was so soft.

‘Hey’. Mike had no idea what else to say.

 

He didn’t seem to need to say anything else as the next thing he experienced was Harvey’s lip thrashing into his with so much momentum that the 2 of them started moving backwards into the room and Harvey slammed the door shut with his foot – which was incredibly sexy. Within seconds Mike could feel the both of them getting painfully aroused but before it could go any further, he stopped.

‘I’m sorry, Harvey. I’m sorry about everything. I was stupid. I’m so sorry’. Mike had no idea what else to say at this point.

‘Hey, it’s me who should be sorry. I blew everything up. It was idiotic of me. Can we just go back to not being angry with each other? That really sucked’.  
Nothing else needed to be said. Harvey and Mike were back to being Harvey and Mike again.  
‘I love you’ the words just fell out of Mike’s mouth.  
‘I love you too’.

**Author's Note:**

> Songs I used:  
> Supermarket Flowers by Ed Sheeran  
> Can't See Straight by Jamie Lawson


End file.
